I have so much to say and fill in the empty spaces I have created. Life is changing, and I am particularly very bad with change of any kind no matter how small. Lately I have discovered more about myself than I ever have before.
Since being back from Sydney last November we have lived with my parents whilst Nathan searched for a new job over here. My Dad said he had until April 30th until he had to be out for good otherwise he’d have to go back to Australia. We have come so far, overcome so much to be together. As a couple we have had to do things so differently compared to other couples out there. And that makes us who we are and we never wish for anything else. The things we have done have made us strong and even more in love than ever. Nathan has been offered a job a fair while away from London and as it’s the only one that has come to him before the deadline of the 30th, he has had to take it. I have to stay in London because I have enrolled on a computing course. After I finish it I hope to move the hundreds of miles to join my lover. By then he’ll hopefully have received his first pay package and with my funds, we can rent somewhere by the sea. The news hit home hard and it made it hard for me to think. Spending days and nights apart feels like it’ll kill me, but I can’t complain. He’ll come to be with me every Friday night to stay for the weekend. And there are couples out there who are probably going through a lot worse, so I have no excuse to complain. It makes me feel guilty. And hopefully it’ll only take 3 weeks for me to finish my course and for Nathan’s pay to come through. So it makes it easier to know how temporary this distance will be.
Last week we both got sick and with the added stress of being apart from the one person who understands me on my mind, made me scared. I couldn’t sleep or smile. Life ground to a slow stop full of madness in my head. I wanted to scream and get out and feel in control of things. Everything seemed to be decided for us and I just wanted to feel more in charge than I did. I don’t want to have to stay here whilst Nathan stays in a hotel everynight, it’s not fair. When I cry, he can’t be there to wipe my tears away and when I laugh he can’t join in with me. I thought we were past all the distance in our relationship when he moved here. This isn’t permanent and I’ll be back with him everyday very soon. I’m not good with change and I doubt I ever will be.
Nathan, thank you for doing everything right. Thank you for putting up with all my tears and exhaustion. Thank you for not getting cross once when you probably wanted to. Thank you for all the hugs and kisses to make me feel better. Thank you for getting this amazing job and I’m sorry if my tears have come across as un-supportive. You know how much I’ll miss you for the few nights you’re away because you truly are my other half and I find life hard without you to come home to. When we used to be apart, everyday was a challenge. Please don’t be scared about this change. Thank you for putting on your brave-face to make me feel reassured though you were probably petrified on the inside. I hope I gave you the reassurance you needed back. I love you more than anything and everything and I will always be proud of you for everything you do. Thank you for loving me and undergoing all this change with me. We’re in this together and I appreciate your softness and love every second. I will always be here for you. And thank you for promising that if I go crazy, you’ll come home to get me. I love you. <3
I always dream of running away to the hills and tiptoeing through the woods to make a house for the rest of our lives. I wish we could do that now, away from society and people and just live the way we want. One day we will and life will be so good once all this change is settled in. I couldn’t be happier with the way life is going for us. I feel we’re so, so blessed to be able to have this opportunity. 2 years ago I would never have imagined we would be able to live together in the same country. But we are and despite this change, I still couldn’t be happier. I’m sorry for my emotional rant. It’s hard to talk to anyone when the only person who truly 100% understands is the one going away from you. Life will change and our “normal” will change and it’ll be good. Life will be amazing once we get into the swing of all of this nonsense. There won’t be any hurt or tears for us any more and we’ll move forward and I’ll find positive in new things. This week will be a week from hell, but we’re fighters and we’ll get through as we always do. Maybe one day life won’t throw these hurdles in our way and maybe one day we’ll have a clear run. Maybe all these hurdles coming so thick and fast means there will be a clearing one day very soon. And I look forward to it so much. I wish this all away and for us to find happiness in our new life to come. This is the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new and incredible one. This will give us the financial stability we need to be together in the UK. Our next step is January 2012 when we return to Sydney to get our marriage visa. That’ll be another change, but a change that I will be able to handle. I can’t wait for all this and to get the ball rolling. As well as being scared, I’m so excited.
