Nakitt
A tale of love conquering the whole world…

Things are good, they’re turning and I think new beginnings are hard but possible with a smile.

This weekend was the ultimate turning point. It still doesn’t stop the sadness as I wave goodbye to Nathan at the station, but it’s made a lot better. We spoke about the important things we’ve been needing to talk about. I hit rock bottom last week. I have never felt so low and worthless in my life and I was very scared. I guess a lot caved in on my mind and now I know how to be stronger. I told Nathan what I needed to, all the feelings I’d felt when I felt like nothing was out there for me any more. And he told me everything he felt. We came away with a fresh understanding of one another. A little bit of communication goes a long way. I’d been so afraid of burdening him with my feelings, I’d bottled a lot up and finally let it all go. It felt good. And it felt better to have him talk about his feelings too in such depth that we just hadn’t had the chance to do yet. He nicknamed himself “The Heartcatcher” and how he’d always catch my falling heart. We then agreed we’d make a children’s book about catching hearts. He’d write, I’d draw. So look out for that one day!

We played a lot of tennis today. It was hot and sunny, but glorious to lark about and feel life again. We then roller bladed around the tennis court holding hands. It was heaps of fun. My Grandparents wanted to have a long chat with us, it was wonderful. My Granny wouldn’t stop smiling at me, it made me feel fuzzy knowing that she was so thankful to me. She needs things to look forward to and work towards. Today she sat there and knitted. It’s her new project to keep her looking forward to the future. She’s knitting a baby shawl for when we have kids. I felt highly embarrassed but couldn’t help but smile. My Grandpa was loving as always and he and Nathan always get chatting and block everything else out. Must be a man-thing!

We were driving home when Nathan pointed out some red petals on the pavement and said how he wished we were in them and he’d throw them up and kiss me. I kept driving and went around the block before parking up and getting out much to Nathan’s amusement. We ran as hard as we could to the red petals and threw them high in the air, screaming and laughing. It was a memory which will last me a lifetime. I’ll never forget all that happiness we felt. I’ll never forget the feeling of Nathan’s hand guiding mine back to the car as we ran down the street with loud feet and lungs.

I’m writing a book. Every day if I have a funny thought about life, I write it down. Nothing negative and bad. And when I get old, my grandchildren will look through it and learn about Granny’s youth. I hope to inspire young people with it when I’m old. It’ll be something I can be remembered by. I’ll be the quiet but quirky kid turned old and never forgotten. It’ll be great.

Things will be better from here on in. We’re booking in an appointment for a flat viewing that we’ll hopefully move into. It has 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a huge rooftop patio all for ourselves. Plus we’re hoping to get a little puppy. We’ve picked the breed and when the time is right, we’ll be buying a little friend for us. You’ll all have to come and visit, we’ll have drinks on the patio and I’ll cook up a storm. Deal?! [:

I know it’s probably all been a huge mistake to pour my heart out on the Internet. People develop strong opinions about you and your life when they really know nothing about you. But I don’t really care if people develop horrible opinions about me. I’m just trying to be insightful to those of you who do care and who are interested. Thank you for all your encouragement and prayers, they’ve all helped tremendously.

Tonight I shoot at a nightclub which’ll be fun but tiring work. I won’t be home until the early hours and I then have to be up again a few hours later to grab a tube into London to get a coach to Bournemouth. Because I can’t afford the £50 return train ticket, spending £8 on a coach seems the best way to go about it. Nathan will be at work in Poole which is the next door town and won’t be back until the evening. So I get to spend the day browsing the shops and seeing what it’s all about. I’m so excited. This will be our new home so soon and these past few days apart have been harder than last week. I can’t wait to be with my angel again. I need to get used to this and hang in for a little while more. I’m doing okay.

I took my first ECDL exam yesterday. I have to study 7 modules in 3 months or else I lose everything and am not allowed to continue! So getting one module done felt amazing. Though I was annoyed I got one question wrong so I only got 97%. Stupid, stupid, stupid mistake! 6 more modules to learn. I’m not even halfway through databases and I am finding them so hard to understand. My mind doesn’t work in logical ways.

On the other hand, I’ve been seriously busy with photo shoots. I did a shoot last Wednesday with some amazing girls in a plantation. They were for 2 magazines, so fingers crossed I did a good enough job. Then on Saturday I had a shoot for a book and exhibition a girl was putting together. It was so sunny and I’d managed to secure an amazing model from Europe’s largest agency. Boo-yah! And there everyone was saying I couldn’t do it.

I went out for tea with my Grandpa yesterday which was so, so lovely. He always cheers me up. He celebrated his 59th wedding anniversary with my Granny on Monday. That’s a lot of years! They’re the funniest couple, but I love them so much. I can’t think of life without them, they’ve always been my 2nd parents, the ones to hug me and encourage me through life. Anyway, my Grandpa told me all about how the Queen once dropped her ring at his feet and he picked it up for her and they laughed about it together. He always amazes me with his history. There’s so much I still have to learn about him and I fear my time is growing thin. I hope he’s around for many, many more years.

That’s life right now. So busy, but busy is good. It preoccupies the disturbed mind. Sorry for all the negativity lately for those of you who read this far! I promise to be more upbeat and blog more happy things from here on in. [:

I have so much to say and fill in the empty spaces I have created. Life is changing, and I am particularly very bad with change of any kind no matter how small. Lately I have discovered more about myself than I ever have before.

Since being back from Sydney last November we have lived with my parents whilst Nathan searched for a new job over here. My Dad said he had until April 30th until he had to be out for good otherwise he’d have to go back to Australia. We have come so far, overcome so much to be together. As a couple we have had to do things so differently compared to other couples out there. And that makes us who we are and we never wish for anything else. The things we have done have made us strong and even more in love than ever. Nathan has been offered a job a fair while away from London and as it’s the only one that has come to him before the deadline of the 30th, he has had to take it. I have to stay in London because I have enrolled on a computing course. After I finish it I hope to move the hundreds of miles to join my lover. By then he’ll hopefully have received his first pay package and with my funds, we can rent somewhere by the sea. The news hit home hard and it made it hard for me to think. Spending days and nights apart feels like it’ll kill me, but I can’t complain. He’ll come to be with me every Friday night to stay for the weekend. And there are couples out there who are probably going through a lot worse, so I have no excuse to complain. It makes me feel guilty. And hopefully it’ll only take 3 weeks for me to finish my course and for Nathan’s pay to come through. So it makes it easier to know how temporary this distance will be.

Last week we both got sick and with the added stress of being apart from the one person who understands me on my mind, made me scared. I couldn’t sleep or smile. Life ground to a slow stop full of madness in my head. I wanted to scream and get out and feel in control of things. Everything seemed to be decided for us and I just wanted to feel more in charge than I did. I don’t want to have to stay here whilst Nathan stays in a hotel everynight, it’s not fair. When I cry, he can’t be there to wipe my tears away and when I laugh he can’t join in with me. I thought we were past all the distance in our relationship when he moved here. This isn’t permanent and I’ll be back with him everyday very soon. I’m not good with change and I doubt I ever will be.

Nathan, thank you for doing everything right. Thank you for putting up with all my tears and exhaustion. Thank you for not getting cross once when you probably wanted to. Thank you for all the hugs and kisses to make me feel better. Thank you for getting this amazing job and I’m sorry if my tears have come across as un-supportive. You know how much I’ll miss you for the few nights you’re away because you truly are my other half and I find life hard without you to come home to. When we used to be apart, everyday was a challenge. Please don’t be scared about this change. Thank you for putting on your brave-face to make me feel reassured though you were probably petrified on the inside. I hope I gave you the reassurance you needed back. I love you more than anything and everything and I will always be proud of you for everything you do. Thank you for loving me and undergoing all this change with me. We’re in this together and I appreciate your softness and love every second. I will always be here for you. And thank you for promising that if I go crazy, you’ll come home to get me. I love you. <3

I always dream of running away to the hills and tiptoeing through the woods to make a house for the rest of our lives. I wish we could do that now, away from society and people and just live the way we want. One day we will and life will be so good once all this change is settled in. I couldn’t be happier with the way life is going for us. I feel we’re so, so blessed to be able to have this opportunity. 2 years ago I would never have imagined we would be able to live together in the same country. But we are and despite this change, I still couldn’t be happier. I’m sorry for my emotional rant. It’s hard to talk to anyone when the only person who truly 100% understands is the one going away from you. Life will change and our “normal” will change and it’ll be good. Life will be amazing once we get into the swing of all of this nonsense. There won’t be any hurt or tears for us any more and we’ll move forward and I’ll find positive in new things. This week will be a week from hell, but we’re fighters and we’ll get through as we always do. Maybe one day life won’t throw these hurdles in our way and maybe one day we’ll have a clear run. Maybe all these hurdles coming so thick and fast means there will be a clearing one day very soon. And I look forward to it so much. I wish this all away and for us to find happiness in our new life to come. This is the end of a chapter and the beginning of a new and incredible one. This will give us the financial stability we need to be together in the UK. Our next step is January 2012 when we return to Sydney to get our marriage visa. That’ll be another change, but a change that I will be able to handle. I can’t wait for all this and to get the ball rolling. As well as being scared, I’m so excited.

Every 20th of every month we celebrate another anniversary of togetherness. Today marked anniversary number 34. 2 more until we hit 3 years! Seems like only yesterday we were young 16 year old lovers, naive to the romance front but with hearts full of untouched love to give. And here we are.

Tonight we danced in the rain to Dire Straits and drank Coke. We’re full on mini chocolate eggs and have heavy eyes and heads. It has been a tiring yet loving day and the night has only just begun. I love you Nathan. Happy anniversary my hero, thank you for being my rock. Always. <3

We have a lovely elderly Labrador called Hattie. She’s going to turn 14 in a couple of months and because she’s so old, we sometimes have to take her on little walks around the streets. Yesterday we took her for a lovely walk through some fields, so today was one of the small walk days. I took my camera and we got a few shots on our 10 minute adventure. [: